Most Profoundly

As I looked up through the cathedral like arches of the frosty tree limbs that were surrounding me, I felt as though I had left the mundane and been transported into another dimension; a crystal word of brittle fragility; a world of serene delight and a place of cold clear perfection.

There are times when reality can surpass the imagined, and times when focus is lost and fantasy becomes real. I have walked through the frosty forests of mountain high  magic and slept in fields of valley grasses dotted with delicate daffodils awash with the wind.

Many times I have heard the call of the desert surf that coddles the mountain side and covers the fallen trees. But there is one thing that has escaped me until just now and that is the awesome wonder of standing alone in the universe between the earth and the heavens and discovering myself all over again.

Most of my life has been supported and encouraged by friends and family who's desires were tainted by delusions of who they wanted me to be. My Grandmother wanted me to be a priest, my mother wanted me to be heterosexual and my Dad didn't know what he wanted. Later my first lover wanted me to be eternally young and a partner in his life, my second just wanted me to be his until another opportunity arose and my last lover just wanted to love me and take care of me ... so beautiful.

Since I have been alone again for the last 2 years I have discovered that in order to be yourself you must be alone, at least for as much time as you need to reconstitute and find your voice again. You need ultimately to be happy with yourself and your universe before you can possibly imagine making someone else happy. I have done this and most profoundly. Now it is time to step up the plate again. I have practiced this moment many times and I think I'm ready.

At once it is very easy to say ... I am happy with myself again and now I want to be happy with you!

My Own Man

A year or so after the death of my long time partner Jack some of my friends began to tell me that they saw a change in me, that I had "come into my own". As I looked into my mirror I could see no visible signs of change and felt no inner difference, only perhaps loneliness.

I have always been my own man I said to one friend, maybe you are just seeing me for the first time because now I stand alone.

It is funny how people perceive others. It is almost like there must be a label attached in order to make us real - Dr. Bob or Cousin Mary. Maybe they are a couple like Jack and Bob or Bob and Kay. Now there is a story line attached to our profile and we can be understood more easily, and categorized for future reference.

When I said "I stand alone" what I meant was as a single man. I don't think that we can ever stand alone entirely. There must always be another person that has added to our substance in order to make us the person that we are or have become - a mother, a father, your priest or Rabi, maybe it was a friend or possibly, and most intimately, your partner in life.

As I "stood alone" again for the first time, naked to the world it would seem, the person that others were seeing was me, but this time as the entity that I had assembled over decades; parts and pieces of life experiences that had come together like the Frankenstein monster to make me who I now am.

When I was with my partner we stood as Jack & Bob but now I am simply Bob. I think that perhaps we can sometimes be overlooked or overshadowed even, by our partners in life. Not that it really matters if you are a good fit. It is only when a separation occurs by life or death that the raw entities become visible.

I have always been a nurturer and as such a great believer in supporting friends and most especially my partners in everyway I can. What is a partnership if not an elaborate friendship. There must be love involved to make such a partnership work, a selfless love of another to achieve that oneness. To be one with another person is like no other feeling I have ever felt. It brings life to dead branches and song to deaf birds. It fills oceans with water and brings bloom to the deserts. There is no greater gift than to tell some one that you love them and to be so in love that you would gladly give you life for that person.

So I guess the answer to the question is yes, I am my own man, but only because I was another mans man first. Perhaps you didn't really know me then.

The Nautilus

It will be two years now that my world stopped, two years when my breath became silent, and two years since my life as I knew it ceased to exist ...

If one does survive the loss of a spouse there is indeed the definite possibility that they will love again. But how is it possible to love again with the same passion and resolve as before? The answer is that it is not, at least not in the very same way.

Everyone has moments in life and love that cannot and will not exist again, nor should they. Every moment of life is new and different and so should it be. Life is a living breathing organism and as such needs new experiences everyday on which to feed.

I believe that we are built somewhat like the Nautilus ... Every life experience becomes a chamber and is contained therein. However, that chamber when completed begets another so as not to diminish itself. It is all of our chambers that together make us who we are.

I have found that in my new life and it's passion, words sometimes can be repeated from the past much like an incantation ... terms of endearment. When this occurs it are like a electrical charge that both stimulates and nurtures the soul and gives life to the new chamber. But be forewarned, herein lies the dilemma - conjuring from the past, while it can bring the new chamber to life can also overwhelm once set free.

Words and feelings once used with a spouse or lover tend to imprint with that special person and are difficult to be uttered again with another. Therein, I think, the reason for the Nautilus. It is not that life cannot be repeated forever new, so at times there will be crossovers and the borrowing of words from one chamber to the next.

Just remember that each person, each place and each time is in itself special and should forever be kept sacred. To treasure each moment is to treasure all of them, and to love all of them is to be in love with each.

So when your heart tells you it is time to live and love again let it ascend and fly to new heights, heights that will fulfill themselves, to a new plateau where you can pause and reflect again on this thing called life!

     There came a voice from deep inside
           That bade me come into the light
                Your sleep has ended it said to me
                     Come dance again in the light and play
                          For tomorrow now is indeed today

Bring It On

As Hallowe'en 2011 becomes another memory filed away in my vast collection of time warps ... I find myself unusually eager for the parade of holidays to begin.

Is it the holidays that bring us the joy that we feel when immersed in their magic or is it we who provide the magic for the season? Much like the proverbial chicken and egg, it all depends on how we approach it I think.

One thing is for sure and that is the fact that we are a species that must have love to exist. Whether is the healthy nurturing love of friends and lovers, or the love of life itself we are creatures of purpose. To be without purpose is a terrible thing I believe - to have no purpose is a lonely and desperate place to live.

As I look around during these passionate days of celebration it is the desire to express love and kindness that seems to permeate the days and nights. The harvest festivals tell us that we have done well in growing the seeds and nurturing each other through a warm and fruitful summer. A thanksgiving for all the things both large and small that have made us better people and filled our cups with the wine of remembrance in the cup of humkan kindness.

As the sun light dims in the months ahead I find comfort in knowing that I will be warm and secure in the arms of all the special friends that I hold dear. What a joy to wake up on a sun lite morning in December knowing that you are loved and that the people you have worked with over the past year are there for you and each other in turn.

As I remember all the past holidays that I have spent with friends old and new I can't help but feel blessed and full with delight that no matter what happens in the future, and I find it very bright this year indeed, there will always be the echos of the past that fill my soul with the wonder and magic that makes this life a very special place to live for sure!

So bring it on! Bring on the holidays with their songs and toasts to life. Bring on the parties and celebrations. But most of all, bring on the joy of human kindness that is sometimes lost in the shuffle but reconstitutes im this most magical season ...

Islands in Lifes Stream

I stood and watched the gentle stream as it grew more turbulent it would seem

It wound its way through mounds of earth that caught its essence, caught its birth

It caught its current and made it run ever faster to towards the sun

After the splendor of an autumn day with the sun warming softly the golden hay

The smell of fires in distant trances gives way to love and fall romances

There comes that time of season when earth paints itself for a reason

A royal event to ponder

A regal occasion from which to wander

The smells of autumn entice me and fill my soul with a warm vision of yester morrow

A place in which I can stand, looking forward and to the back

Blending time with memory

And savoring the essences of future past

What do I see in the ether, what spells have I conjured from my life as teacher

Perhaps only snapshots of yesterday, today or tomorrow

And yet maybe a painting of eternity and sorrow

Once I walked on grass and clay but today I tread on pebbles of silver as they lay

And yet the streets of gold still hold me to my humble past

While exploring the magic future that has been cast

Yesterday I meet a golden boy who told me tales of wonder and joy

Ever filling my mind with splendorous light

While giving me sustenance and shinning through my long dark night

So what of the islands and what of the streams that divides our energies and gives us the seeds?

Their constant presence in our perfect world

Give credence and stature to our every word

So here's to the islands in the streams

And here's to their waters, here's to their dreams

May they forever exist to give us the energy of a lovers first kiss?