And So It Is Christmas

"And so it is Christmas and what have you done ... another year over and a new one just begun ..."

The words of John Lennon rang out today as I was sitting in the midst of Christmas 2011 with my wrappings and decorations piled around me, carefully trying to find the pure and untempered joy of those Christmas's past and forgotten. But are they really past and forgotten? Maybe past but most certainly not forgotten!

Every ornament and every holiday treasure is rich with joyous and heart felt memories of golden moments in time that touched my soul and gave wings to my otherwise grounded life.

I remember most vividly the love and laughter that came with this season of love as if they were yesterday and will most definitely remember them for many seasons to come. How could we not remember the seasons of our lives that give us substance and most important of all ... love and joy!

It can be difficult to move forward if we feel that we are deserting the past, but we don't have to leave the past behind. The secret is that we can carry it with us and grow stronger from it. If it becomes a burden than we can lay it to rest but I think not - for it is only the hurts and sorrows that can wound us and therefore should not be considered part of us once discounted. Rather go forward with a arm full of happy and joyous memories and walk in the stars knowing that the new road is paved with those loving memories and guided by our inner child who is forever young and hopeful ...

And so it is Christmas and what have I done? I've taken the past year and am weaving it with the new one that has just begun!

Frozen Memories

"At once the mountain of ice melted and a million dreams and memories washed over me taking me in it's tide to places long forgot but now alive and vital once more in its healing waters"


What is it that sparks the fire which melts the ice in which our memories are contained?

While working on Christmas decorations today and winterizing the house for the approaching rush of holiday madness and debauchery I accidentally triggered several holiday memories from long past and near. Memories that made me both smile and weep - memories of much joy sprinkled with reality and remorse.

Frozen memories can be very potent and sometimes even volatile but they are also very necessary for us to hold near and dear. It is like finding a lost treasure again or smelling a familiar scent - the awakening of another day in time that has been captured for future reference and a point of light into our souls.

I seem to visit my crystal cave of frozen treasures more often these days both making deposits as well as withdrawals. In the cold clear frost of remembrance there is a silent serenity that revitalizes and repairs my soul - setting it free to dream and dance again in the warmth and reality of a new day sun.

Dance on children of the sun ...

Most Profoundly

As I looked up through the cathedral like arches of the frosty tree limbs that were surrounding me, I felt as though I had left the mundane and been transported into another dimension; a crystal word of brittle fragility; a world of serene delight and a place of cold clear perfection.

There are times when reality can surpass the imagined, and times when focus is lost and fantasy becomes real. I have walked through the frosty forests of mountain high  magic and slept in fields of valley grasses dotted with delicate daffodils awash with the wind.

Many times I have heard the call of the desert surf that coddles the mountain side and covers the fallen trees. But there is one thing that has escaped me until just now and that is the awesome wonder of standing alone in the universe between the earth and the heavens and discovering myself all over again.

Most of my life has been supported and encouraged by friends and family who's desires were tainted by delusions of who they wanted me to be. My Grandmother wanted me to be a priest, my mother wanted me to be heterosexual and my Dad didn't know what he wanted. Later my first lover wanted me to be eternally young and a partner in his life, my second just wanted me to be his until another opportunity arose and my last lover just wanted to love me and take care of me ... so beautiful.

Since I have been alone again for the last 2 years I have discovered that in order to be yourself you must be alone, at least for as much time as you need to reconstitute and find your voice again. You need ultimately to be happy with yourself and your universe before you can possibly imagine making someone else happy. I have done this and most profoundly. Now it is time to step up the plate again. I have practiced this moment many times and I think I'm ready.

At once it is very easy to say ... I am happy with myself again and now I want to be happy with you!

My Own Man

A year or so after the death of my long time partner Jack some of my friends began to tell me that they saw a change in me, that I had "come into my own". As I looked into my mirror I could see no visible signs of change and felt no inner difference, only perhaps loneliness.

I have always been my own man I said to one friend, maybe you are just seeing me for the first time because now I stand alone.

It is funny how people perceive others. It is almost like there must be a label attached in order to make us real - Dr. Bob or Cousin Mary. Maybe they are a couple like Jack and Bob or Bob and Kay. Now there is a story line attached to our profile and we can be understood more easily, and categorized for future reference.

When I said "I stand alone" what I meant was as a single man. I don't think that we can ever stand alone entirely. There must always be another person that has added to our substance in order to make us the person that we are or have become - a mother, a father, your priest or Rabi, maybe it was a friend or possibly, and most intimately, your partner in life.

As I "stood alone" again for the first time, naked to the world it would seem, the person that others were seeing was me, but this time as the entity that I had assembled over decades; parts and pieces of life experiences that had come together like the Frankenstein monster to make me who I now am.

When I was with my partner we stood as Jack & Bob but now I am simply Bob. I think that perhaps we can sometimes be overlooked or overshadowed even, by our partners in life. Not that it really matters if you are a good fit. It is only when a separation occurs by life or death that the raw entities become visible.

I have always been a nurturer and as such a great believer in supporting friends and most especially my partners in everyway I can. What is a partnership if not an elaborate friendship. There must be love involved to make such a partnership work, a selfless love of another to achieve that oneness. To be one with another person is like no other feeling I have ever felt. It brings life to dead branches and song to deaf birds. It fills oceans with water and brings bloom to the deserts. There is no greater gift than to tell some one that you love them and to be so in love that you would gladly give you life for that person.

So I guess the answer to the question is yes, I am my own man, but only because I was another mans man first. Perhaps you didn't really know me then.

The Nautilus

It will be two years now that my world stopped, two years when my breath became silent, and two years since my life as I knew it ceased to exist ...

If one does survive the loss of a spouse there is indeed the definite possibility that they will love again. But how is it possible to love again with the same passion and resolve as before? The answer is that it is not, at least not in the very same way.

Everyone has moments in life and love that cannot and will not exist again, nor should they. Every moment of life is new and different and so should it be. Life is a living breathing organism and as such needs new experiences everyday on which to feed.

I believe that we are built somewhat like the Nautilus ... Every life experience becomes a chamber and is contained therein. However, that chamber when completed begets another so as not to diminish itself. It is all of our chambers that together make us who we are.

I have found that in my new life and it's passion, words sometimes can be repeated from the past much like an incantation ... terms of endearment. When this occurs it are like a electrical charge that both stimulates and nurtures the soul and gives life to the new chamber. But be forewarned, herein lies the dilemma - conjuring from the past, while it can bring the new chamber to life can also overwhelm once set free.

Words and feelings once used with a spouse or lover tend to imprint with that special person and are difficult to be uttered again with another. Therein, I think, the reason for the Nautilus. It is not that life cannot be repeated forever new, so at times there will be crossovers and the borrowing of words from one chamber to the next.

Just remember that each person, each place and each time is in itself special and should forever be kept sacred. To treasure each moment is to treasure all of them, and to love all of them is to be in love with each.

So when your heart tells you it is time to live and love again let it ascend and fly to new heights, heights that will fulfill themselves, to a new plateau where you can pause and reflect again on this thing called life!

     There came a voice from deep inside
           That bade me come into the light
                Your sleep has ended it said to me
                     Come dance again in the light and play
                          For tomorrow now is indeed today

Bring It On

As Hallowe'en 2011 becomes another memory filed away in my vast collection of time warps ... I find myself unusually eager for the parade of holidays to begin.

Is it the holidays that bring us the joy that we feel when immersed in their magic or is it we who provide the magic for the season? Much like the proverbial chicken and egg, it all depends on how we approach it I think.

One thing is for sure and that is the fact that we are a species that must have love to exist. Whether is the healthy nurturing love of friends and lovers, or the love of life itself we are creatures of purpose. To be without purpose is a terrible thing I believe - to have no purpose is a lonely and desperate place to live.

As I look around during these passionate days of celebration it is the desire to express love and kindness that seems to permeate the days and nights. The harvest festivals tell us that we have done well in growing the seeds and nurturing each other through a warm and fruitful summer. A thanksgiving for all the things both large and small that have made us better people and filled our cups with the wine of remembrance in the cup of humkan kindness.

As the sun light dims in the months ahead I find comfort in knowing that I will be warm and secure in the arms of all the special friends that I hold dear. What a joy to wake up on a sun lite morning in December knowing that you are loved and that the people you have worked with over the past year are there for you and each other in turn.

As I remember all the past holidays that I have spent with friends old and new I can't help but feel blessed and full with delight that no matter what happens in the future, and I find it very bright this year indeed, there will always be the echos of the past that fill my soul with the wonder and magic that makes this life a very special place to live for sure!

So bring it on! Bring on the holidays with their songs and toasts to life. Bring on the parties and celebrations. But most of all, bring on the joy of human kindness that is sometimes lost in the shuffle but reconstitutes im this most magical season ...

Islands in Lifes Stream

I stood and watched the gentle stream as it grew more turbulent it would seem

It wound its way through mounds of earth that caught its essence, caught its birth

It caught its current and made it run ever faster to towards the sun

After the splendor of an autumn day with the sun warming softly the golden hay

The smell of fires in distant trances gives way to love and fall romances

There comes that time of season when earth paints itself for a reason

A royal event to ponder

A regal occasion from which to wander

The smells of autumn entice me and fill my soul with a warm vision of yester morrow

A place in which I can stand, looking forward and to the back

Blending time with memory

And savoring the essences of future past

What do I see in the ether, what spells have I conjured from my life as teacher

Perhaps only snapshots of yesterday, today or tomorrow

And yet maybe a painting of eternity and sorrow

Once I walked on grass and clay but today I tread on pebbles of silver as they lay

And yet the streets of gold still hold me to my humble past

While exploring the magic future that has been cast

Yesterday I meet a golden boy who told me tales of wonder and joy

Ever filling my mind with splendorous light

While giving me sustenance and shinning through my long dark night

So what of the islands and what of the streams that divides our energies and gives us the seeds?

Their constant presence in our perfect world

Give credence and stature to our every word

So here's to the islands in the streams

And here's to their waters, here's to their dreams

May they forever exist to give us the energy of a lovers first kiss?

Falling Stars

I saw a falling star last night it looked as though it were calling, bright ... inviting me to come along and travel to another song.

Life is a song the fills our ears with melodies of wonderous years, always amazingly full, extraordinarily crisp and clear. It is a canvas on which we draw and paint our hopes and dreams, a temple in which we dwel until our souls take flight and brighten up the star lit night. A vessel in which we travel far and wide if only to find the other side. A universe in a milky way a place to love and a place to play.

But cccassionally life grounds us as if to say you are not listening to what I say. Perhaps your dreams have been dashed and it might seem as though your love will never again last, but remember that when all seems dark there is always the possiblilty of a spark to inginte your soul in a blaze of glory forever full of timeless hopes in life's story, a story of love and bliss sublime ... if I take your hand will you take mine?

So before I reached out to that star I remembered suddenly just who we are. Two angels who have come to earth to make a life, two people who have conquered strife. Two entities in the universe who use the sky to travel fast and fly very high. Two shooting stars who have come together to light the heavens in their path and illuminate each other as they pass into endlessness.

We are stars, we are moondust ... we are golden!

Tell me a Story

 

Today I watched as the world around me began to change around me yet again, as forever it does and will always. I watched as life turned and glanced at it's past and cried as I felt fondly for mine as well.

Then I though to myself that it is true for now and for sure, time is not our keeper but rather our cure. Would it be that I could, I would walk in the steps of time once more. Would it be different if you were mine? My answer seemed to be second nature and it spoke to me as a friend and said:

Tell me a story of times gone by
Tell me a story of you and I

Let it come forward from another time
A time that was different when you weren't mine

Tell me your secrets and give me your rhyme
Give me your secrets and I'll give you mine

Tonight the world is still the same and I wonder why I haven't changed. Perhaps it is time that is the victim and it is I who am it's master!

Tell me a story ...

Testing and Tasting the Waters of Life

A friend recently reminded me of a quote by Joseph Campbell, the renowned American mythologist, author and lecturer.  He said that "We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us". Many people have said the same thing in a myriad of ways and I agree completely.

The problem is that in order to let go we must have something to let go of ... It has been said that if we quiet our minds and listen the universe it will tell us what to do but if we don't know what our choices are the decision can be daunting.

I have found life to be a series of hills and valleys. At birth we are dropped either onto a hill or into a valley - the choice is not ours. As we begin to explore our surroundings however we soon realize our situation and it is at this point that we begin our true journey and, depending how adventurous we are, seek out new realms.

Of course it is totally dependant on each individual to make their own decisions lest we become entrapped in the dreams of others and most important to stand firm with our choices once made.
Now that we have established our existence it is time to build our foundation from which we will construct our new life. Until now we were mostly transients moving from hill to valley and thought to thought.

Every foundation is different from the next and it would be good if we could recognize the parameters of our own, which in turn will tell us what we can build on it and just who we invite to build with us.

So here comes the fun part ... Protected and secure in our new home we can relax a bit and enjoy our situation. Time to rest and dream now, let our minds take us to distant shores. Time to test and taste the waters of life and to let them wash over us. Time to swim in the river and practice our strokes before moving on to the lakes and oceans of life.

Know who you are, remember who you were and let life take you to who you can and will be!

I watched the earth from a falling star and thought the distance to be quite far, but as I sped quickly past the Moon my journey looked to be over soon.

Live life in the moment - every moment ...

Lifes Debris

There are times as it sit in my favorite restaurant watching the parade of ancient clientele shuffle by that I think to myself - there for the grace of the gods go I ...

Who do you become when you have forgotten who you are?

As I walk through life these days I can't help but notice the endless debris around me. Fractured pieces of broken dreams that clutter the landscape as far as the eye can see.

How many times have I myself discarded pieces of my life that no longer work or which I no longer need? The trouble with this cosmic debris is that it tends to make a mess for everyone and serves no purpose.

Wouldn't it be better I thought to recycle these fragments and perhaps even use them as building blocks for the future. I have found lately that it is these very experiences in life which we have shed that in fact have made us who we really are.

Much like a reef in the ocean or a mountain range on dry land, we are a compilation of our thoughts and experiences whether happy or sad. We are the thing life has made us and the product of our journey sculpted by our own hands.

Once I thought that I had no choice in my fate, that the universe and karma where the directing forces and I must follow the course. But looking more closely at my every day plight I noticed that instead it was me who had control and that life was merely the ocean in which I swam.

Granted there are powerful forces out there that can be rather formidable but it is we who make the choices every moment of every day that eventually take us to an end or a new beginning.

We are our own destiny ... no one else can be!

Fall Magic

The season has set it's course and the magic now begins. What is it about the Fall that fills me with such happy sadness, joyful remorse and the longing for more?

Perhaps it is that in the Fall I see the end to a years growth, the beauty of a season in the sun and all it's bounty either harvested or laid to waste. A time to reflect on life and all it's adventures ... people who have come into my life and those you have left it. The old and new and the promise in the renewal to come.

As if a gentle hand has found my soul to comfort and console in the dark nights to come. It is the dark and cold nights that bring us a needed rest so that we may regenerate for the season of sun light that follows. It is in this time of hibernation that the soul is set free to wonder and play in the dreams of before and those of today. Holiday magic abounds as if a remedy to he harsh and cold contemplations that find their way into our thoughts in this time of celebration. Pumpkins and Turkeys, Pine Cones and Tinsel feed our bodies and souls in this season of dark light while friends and lovers give new meaning to life.

Funny how much joy can be found when star dust falls and love abounds filling the night with a bright and distant light. While waiting for Spring I can harness the things that give me strength in my plight.

There is magic in the fall ...

The Aging of Aquarius

I was driving through Michigan last weekend on my way from Chicago to Grand Rapids. My partner and I were heading to a celebration of life and longevity ... a dear man and good friend. As I looked to the Forests of trees that lined the road on our journey I couldn't help but think of how long it took for those trees to grow and how important they are to our very lives. Ages have come and gone and climates have changed and shifted before, so have civilizations. Maybe it is time for that to happen again.

For the last several decades now Astrologers and Astronomers alike have been debating the arrival date of the "Age of Aquarius". Some say it has already happened and other that it will not take place for another hundred years. A friend told me just the other day that November 11, 2011 is the date. In any event there is definitely something in the air that is fanning the flames of fanaticism and intemperance so apparent in society today.

One thing is sure and that is the fact that in every age and in every culture there has always been the the dormant seeds of both good and evil. Much as the earth gives rise to life as we know it so can it take life away but it is the universe that sets the stage for this performance. Amongst the trillions of possible combinations in the heavens I believe that it rests with the tinniest of emotions to begin the process.

Ages come and ages go but the seeds of our souls remains eternal. As the prophets have said through out the centuries "we are what we manifest and no more". An Age is merely the manifestation of all that the universe is at any given point in time. Perhaps then it is the timing of that manifestation that encourages the growth much like the earths soil. When the mixture is right it is healthy and sustainable. But like anything else it takes practice and care.

So what is this "Age" thing and what does it really matter? It is only a reset button for us to get things right again. We have done a good job of making a mess of our planet and I for one wonder if it is possible for us to make it right again before it is too late.

Nature will eventually correct itself and in time purge the planet but can we purge ourselves as well? There are times when I feel that am walking in a primordial Forest and the trees are telling me beware. Forest creatures are watching me with care and the sky stands still above waiting a sign that I come barring love. As I stepped from the forest and into the light I saw two stags standing as if ready to take flight. I thought to myself is this a sign from the heavens? Could I be right ... that nature itself will be our last rite!

The Journey

It is 8 o'clock on a Wednesday night and there is electric energy in the air. A plane from Houston Texas has taken flight and is making it's decent into a Chicago airport carrying with it precious cargo - my new found  partner in life.

In Grand Rapids Michigan plans are being made for a grand assembly of loving friends and family to celebrate a milestone birthday of a beloved cousin, father and husband.

The stage is being set for the beginning of another chapter to be played out in this most awesome and amazing Journey we know as life!

The drive to Grand Rapids is delightful, the weather flavoured with a taste of fall. The universe seams poised for a new and special emergence - a special and unique occasion, a long due resurgence ... my life renewed in the love of another and a time for regeneration.

Life it seems is a vessel in which we travel from time to eternity not knowing the outcome but enjoying the journey. How many times have I walked in the shadow of love not knowing its depth but enjoying its waters? How many times have I longed for its gentle currents but instead experienced its furries.

What is it that makes our journey go on ... maybe it's just the touch of a hand or the sound of a word that is uttered in silence but never the less heard. And what is it that makes it all worthy, that takes us to heaven but lets us to worry in the arms of a lover who is tender and pure and who will in the end make us secure in our thoughts and our dreams, in the love of forever may we sit by life's stream and let it forever be our summer and winter, our spring and our fall, let us forever to journey in life and it's all.

Life is the Journey and we the travelers ...

The Long Shadows of Day

As I awoke in the middle of the night a vision came to me. I was so touched by it that I it inspired this poem. I would like to share it with you:

There is a time at the end of each day when shadows grow long and I long to play

In the meadows of grass that are blown by the wind from the mountains up north to the valleys within

As I lay by a stream that is fed from above I drink from it's bounty and bathe in its love

A love that began in the sands up on high in a desert remote that belongs to the sky

When I lay down to sleep at the end of the day I can feel the world that is still at play

Then the night growing still in my arms comes to stay for a few tender hours, a few or a day

Now my soul takes flight to place in the clouds where I'm safe for the moment, safe in it's love

I delight in the bliss of my lovers first kiss as the earth moves below and I cease to exist

We are one ...

Remembrances

I cannot believe that it has been ten years since the day that the world stood still; Ten years since time became meaningless. Words could not describe the pain and anguish that was caused by so few dissidents; Ten years since one world ended and another began ...

If we have learned nothing else from the horror and atrociousness of that moment it is that life is fragile and transient, and that it doesn't take much to bring us to our knees.

My grandmother used to tell me that it is always much easier to be kind and thoughtful than to be angry and remorseful. The positive energy that exudes from those who are kind and generous is infectious but unfortunately so can be anger and hate. The good news here is that the later is self destructive and cannot be sustained without causing much pain.

I thought to myself today as I reflected on my life in this crazy mixed up world that we have created for ourselves, how lucky I am to have so many wonderful friends and acquaintances, and how fortunate I have been to have experienced such love and support. Then I thought to myself why is this true for me but not for everyone else, and myself said to me because you are aware of yourself, of all that is around you and because you have listened to life and have heard it's voice.

Gregg Levoy pointed something out in his stunning book "Callings". In it he says "the whole sky is filled with furtive transmissions - pollen and seed, radio waves and subatomic particles, the songs of birds and satellite broadcasts ... what is necessary to make substance or meaning out of any of it is a receiver, somebody to receive" ...

If the world is to be a better place then so must we all be both together and as individuals. We must live in the moment but also plan for the future, and of course learn from the past. We must listen to the calm and drink in it energies in order to be healthy, happy and strong in our commitments.

Life is meant to be savoured and enjoyed like a fine wine but it must also be coaxed and nurtured in order to attain its finest result.

Between Heaven and Earth

Somewhere between heaven and earth there exists a place called mine. A place so elusive that it can only be seen when the planets align. A place so special that it sits on air and when the wind blows it moves with care and takes me with it should I dare.

Have you ever felt the earth move beneath your feet or the sunshine warm you as you sleep , in the afternoon on an autumn day while resting from the cares of whatever may? There are those times when time itself refrains from forward movement and take it's rest.

Would that these moments always be mine and I would promise in turn to be thine. So as the dark must turn to light and the morning shine in the the suns bright. Let me be to you my love the essence of all that is our love. So that we might reside in a palace on a distant hill and drink the nectar of whatever will.

My life , my light, my morning sun please promise that I'll be your only love ...

Clouds

My grandfather and I used to sit together on the porch of our house in Rockford. We would look up and watch the procession of clouds drift by. Sometimes soft and gentle, other times strong and ascending they would provide us with endless entertainment as we watched this cosmic theatre unfold.

Today I came across a book entitled simply "Wind Blown Clouds". I laughed and thought to myself how proud would my grandfather be to know that he could have been the author of this book. But not just that - he could and would have been much more.

When grandfather and I looked up to the skies, we saw not only clouds in motion but rather a puppet opera. Every cloud has a distinct personality and purpose. When a storm is coming they are ominous, when good weather abounds they are happy and playful and when there is rain or snow coming they are rather serious. There are occasions when clouds merely, playfully change shapes as if they were bored. I have seen clouds shape shift from cherubs to dragons and from puppies to werewolves. But in the end they are only clouds - aren't they?

People are much like clouds. Ever changing changelings. Always looking for that better shape, a more perfect format, or that most ultimate essence from which to play our role in life.

I think that my grandfather taught me a lot about life.

Thank you grandpa!

Kiki's Banquet

I have been sitting at the bar at Kiki's restaurant quite frequently these days - a home away. During my indulgences I have become very interested in how the other half work and live. Then it occurred to me that I am part of the other half - maybe not so much in financial wealth but most certainly in wealth of experience and spirit ...

What is it that sets us apart when it comes to our station in life?

I think that it all revolves around our spiritual and social consciousness. Not to say that money doesn't play a significant role, but what does anything matter unless we are totally involved and attuned to it and in it?

I have been extremely fortunate in that I have been blessed with both common sense and a passion for life. You might ask what I mean by "passion for life". My definition goes something like this: to be truly passionate in your life journey means that you must love your life enough to sacrifice everything for it but also to have the common sense to recognize those things that are detrimental to it.

The Buddha said "what we are today comes from our thoughts of yesterday, and our present thoughts build our life of tomorrow - our life is the creation of our mind". I say that all things both physical and spiritual play a huge part in our lives and our perception of it.

Just as a seed produces a bloom and from the bloom come many more seeds when strong and well nourished, so does our essence. It projects this thing called life on the face of the universe and from it's projection comes forth our body and soul. To walk in the positive energy of existence is to swim in it's energy effortlessly. It is only when the stream of life becomes polluted that we find ourselves drowning in loneliness and despair.

Many times have I been blessed with clear skies and balmy breezes that have left me serene and complacent. But several times I have felt the cold brown waters of despair encircle my feet and ankles and when this occurs beware for if one becomes accustomed to the cold it can overtake you.

"Life is a banquet", as Auntie Mame said - "and most pour suckers are starving at the table" ...

It is not that we should consume life greedily and take it home in "to go" bags. Rather we need to eat from the table in moderation and share our fortune with the other guests.

I have been sitting at the bar at Kiki's quite frequently these days. The never ending parade of humanity enthralls me and encourages me. I find it to be a charging station for my never ending curiosity and passion for this thing called life.

Aimer de Nouveau

Life is that thing that happens when you least expect it ... And love is a much needed element in it's fulfillment.

After almost two years of existing on planet earth in rather much of a coma, something happened that gave me a much needed slap and woke me up to the tremendous possibilities that are around me. His name is Chadwick ...

I have always felt that I am not as good on my own as when I have someone to love and nurture. It seems to be in my nature to care for others. But therein lies the dilemma ... when one cares for another there is always the possibility that you can be hurt. Giving of yourself means that you are in fact parting with vital energies that sustain your own soul. Therefore much caution must be given as to who you entrust with them.

I feel however, that to be complete we must both give and receive ... It is our nature to do so. Like a river to the sea the waters of emotion must be passed on unless they overflow. A very wise woman once told me that to live a life complete there must be energy transfers unless we are to explode or, even worse become complacent.

My new partner is a breathe of fresh air. Like a song on my lips and sunshine on my soul he has rescued me from myself and given me a reason to exist again. I find myself intoxicated by his very presence. What could be more sublime than to be one with another ... A pairing of two souls that are matched completely and in every way?

Life can be a most wonderful adventure and with the right person by your side it can be most extraordinary. Surprise, I can love again!

My Phoenix Rising

It is a day such as today that makes my heart happy! The long shadows of the impending autumn exquinox have begun to grow but the summer sun is still here and its warmth can still be felt on my face. It is a time of cautious contentment and intimate reflection ... a time for ultimate faith in regeneration and a time to dream.

Much like the mythical Phoenix bird which near the end of its life builds a nest of twigs that then ignites; both nest and bird burn fiercely and are reduced to ashes, from which a new, young phoenix arises, reborn anew to live again. It is said that the bird's cry is that of a beautiful song.

How many times have I been here before and how many times will I venture here again? Nothing in life is sure, and for sure nothing should be expected unless it has been nurtured and cultivated. Much like the crops of summer we only reap what we sow and maybe not even.

For a thousand summers I have felt the soil beneath my feet and the plow of life in my hands. There have been times of plenty and other times of less, but in the end I have found it too be mostly fertile and fortuitous.

This last bit of time has only reinforced my belief that life is a continuum and that to be involved one only has to jump in and swim. Or course we need to be a little cautious and perfect our skills of navigation in order to take advantage of our situation, but in general if we are true to ourselves and trust in our intuition it will usually lead us to a serene and joyous experience.

I have been so lucky in my life ventures and venues that it would seem ungrateful of me to say any different. What I will say however is that we do need to be cautious and observant in our journey since the roads are not always well marked and it is easy to occasionally stray along the way.

At the moment I am grounded and life is good. I have planted many seeds that are now feeding me with the love and kindness that I have sewn. Even though certain things have not gone the way I would have liked I am still standing and ready for another encore. I feel that I have found my soul again and I have every reason to think that I will in fact love again and with all the passion that I have so desperately clung to and stored in my heart.

Love and life are what we make them to be and I have practiced long and hard at both ... I think that it is time for the Phoenix to rise again and it has!

A Man on the Moon

As I was driving to the airport today to start on my adventure I thought to myself how wonderfully different the last two days have been! Summer is beginning to put on her fall face and my favorite season is almost at hand ...

During the past week much has happened that has changed my life again - some good, some bad but mostly positive. Several possessions long held have been exchanged for new and time itself has winked at me and invited me to join the party again. So I thought to myself perhaps it was time for me to rethink myself as well. To regenerate and become someone new too.

As I considered my situation I remembered a poem that I had put into my closet last year and decided that it was time to bring it into the sun light again. It goes something like this:

There was this young boy who walked through life as though it were a dream. He danced and played in the gaze of the sun and slept in arms of the moon.

One day the sun it did not shine and the moon in turn could not reflect. Perplexed the boy asked of time where is it that I might find my light?

Time replied - there is no light that I can see for without the sun there cannot be. But the moon is still here and perhaps if we still hear we might live in the silence of its ear.

There was then an old man who found solace in the silence of the moon. While his body was there it could not be seen nor could it be touched until the suns light would once again let it be such.

So let it be said that life if well read can exist in it's own cocoon. But while sleeping in such must be nourished by touch and if so will respond with a bloom.

My hope is that all we find our own special person or thing to illuminate our lives and touch us with the beauty that only love can bring.

Future Perfect

Well it is official ... the Volvo is R.I.P.!

After so many years of loving service and even more loving memories of a loving relationship the machine as the human spirit finally succomes to the final defeat.

But is it defeat or is it the realization that the time has come to release that last bit of cosmic energy, or just the grand and defiant gesture - the ultimate universal "up yours"!

What now? I have been vacillating between the practical and the desired. Much like other interests in my life presently I am not sure anymore just where I want to be.

Today I realized something very profound, at least for me that is. Our lives are only chapters in a book that is being written by us. Every hour of every day we sit and scribe our essence into parched pages of past performance. Perhaps better to throw our thoughts to the wind and let them find their own destination.

Once I believed in structure and balance but I think that now I must amend, and say rather structure and balance only happen when we practice them. The universe itself has taught me that to be balanced is to be comfortable in unbalance, and that structure is only the product of the desire to come out of chaos.

Where does this leave me? Well for one thing kayos may just be in order for the moment - and structure? Perhaps I will deal with that when I am ready for it.

So a Lexus or a Jaguar? The Jaguar is looking awfully good at the moment ...

Let the Sunshine In

Hello Sunshine it's been a long, long time since I've seen your face. Promises of spring have all but gone unfulfilled until just now! This week for the first time I feel it all coming together again.

So global warming be dammed and climate change stand back, because today, right here, right now I am experiencing my moment of renewal again, my "somewhere-in between-solstice and equinox" moment.

Over the past months I have ventured out into the traffic once more and found it to be, while a bit daunting, full of promise. New people, new hopes and desires seem to be just the fodder that my old roots were needing like a summer thunder shower to charge and bathe my soul with life's energy one more time.

Who knows if or when we might ever realize the true potential of our lives, so why not just let it go and go with the flow. That thing and time we really want to be totally apart of is here, somewhere, we just need to embrace it.

A long time ago I felt the world was mine, and it was because I believed  in it. But as I have marched through life I have found that the world belongs to others as well, so I thought "I must share this wonderful place". Over time I discovered that it was not necessarily the same world and that we are all sharing - rather more like rooms of a shared hostile. While one might be on the same floor as others the view and perspectives are all a little different.

The thing to remember is that while we do share our dwellings it is vitally important not to loose track of our own special place because if we do then who are we really. The answer? Live and love, and cohabitate but keep your soul intact because you may need it again some day when you become lost in time as I have been ...

Life is good, love is better, but to have both is miraculous!

Karma, Kismet or Destiny

Call it Kismet, Karma or just plain old destiny ... There is one thing that remains true and that is, that it does exist.

These last two months have reminded me that there is more to life than working or, for that matter, just day to day living. If we are to be true to ourselves and enjoy life in the moment than we must be ready to embrace it in every and all forms.

As I have let go of my rudder this last year and given fate the reigns I seem to be much happier. Of course there is and will always be times of trouble and sadness but also those moments of pure joy. Just how we arrive at them is always a mystery. I thought for a while that I could be the master of my ship but have found that it tends to go with the tide. Would that I could trust more in providence I might be more relaxed.

You see, if one has charted their course wisely in the beginning then steering is only a secondary precaution so as not to run aground. I have found that my course is entrenched in a direction that I have always been comfortable with so therefore it is with great joy that I can let it ride.

Recently people both old friends and new have entered or re-entered my world and by doing so have re-energized me. Yesterday a person appeared in my life without warning. A person that took my breath away with the sounds of long lost remembrances. Feelings seemed to rise up from the barren earth and wash over me like a gentle rain. With every moment I seemed to be hoping for the next and when it happened I smiled. There is indeed such a thing as Karma or Kismet, and there can be happiness in our destiny if we desire it!

A Place in the Sun

There is a hole that occurs when one loses something, be it a possession, a pet or, most devastatingly, a friend. This hole cannot and should not be filled without careful consideration and most definitely not without much trepidation. As with any loss there is an important part of ourselves that dies with it and must be honored and kept in our heart. Like a black hole in the universe our energies must funnel into it and be destroyed before reconstituting and emerging as energy most pure.

Of late I have found myself trying to back fill the hurt and anguish with all and everything at my disposal but to no avail. It is not that the elements involved are incapable of leveling the ground at zero but maybe they are just not what is needed to heal that most special hurt.

While I find myself capable of reaching out and enjoying life again there is that boomerang effect that tears me apart and brings me back to start. I wonder if someday I might actually find a place to rest and rehabilitate ... a place in the sun again that will coddle and comfort me so that I might heal completely and entirely.

Is it that I am not seeing the obvious or that I am distracted by the mundane? Or maybe, just maybe without realizing it I am already there ...

Of Time Eternal

Some times life can surprise us but I think it is usually we who surprise ourselves. As we stumble through life with our heads full of cosmic clutter we can easily trip and fall over our own earth bound feet. Rather we should run with the wind and soar upward to the mountain top where we can see the valley from afar and listen to its song.

After living what seems like forever in the moment, I came to a bend in the road. While there are always bends in the road some are less obvious than others. When we think of our lives in terms of time it seems to be rather tedious I think, but when we realize that our lives are part of a time continuum it brings fourth so many more possibilities.

What is it that has not been touched by the hand of time? Lives, loves, friendships and more ... each and everything and everyplace - but more than that. Eternity exists in the moment of silence and it revels in the cosmic noise for without both neither would exist. Today I realised a stunning truth all over again ...when one moment dies another begins and so it must be.

As long as we continue to exist one day must follow the other, and as long as there is a sun and moon than so will there be an ebb and flow. So take heart in the fact that we are no more than what we feel and if we feel peace and happiness then so shall we be.

We are the night wind blowing

We are the full moon glowing

We are the sun that is shining

We are stardust

We are forever

Lobsta Roll Baby

Saturday - July 16th - somewhere up the river from Portsmouth New Hampshire ...

Today was the day of the "Lobsta Roll"!

This event can only happen once or twice a season or you would surely die ... This is how it takes place:

You get into the regulator (for you land lovers that is the dingy that is used to taxi you around after you have docked the main ship). The the search begins for the perfect local lobster shack - some place that is hidden away but legendary. Today we found one of those gems just up the river and it was beyond fantastic. Not only were the Lobsta rolls amazing but so too were the steamers, cold slaw, onion rings, chowder, rolls and god knows what else we managed to consume. After a meal such as this one can only lumber back to the boat (which is now quite a bit lower in the water) and groan your way home.

What a lovely day (burp)

Shadows

When you think about it, what is a shadow after all? It is the reflection of something that exists at that moment in time punctuated by the sunlight of our soul ... kind of like the negative produced by ancient technology when cameras were the event recorder "de jour".

As I look back my shadows are in fact not only moments in time but they are also the structural matter that has glued my life together. They existed once upon a time but they still exist as impressions of our lives; impressions that will never leave us for better or worse; impressions that are intricately apart of our very souls, and can live forever.

In our day to day existence in the universal muttle we can sometimes fail to realize the importance of our participation in this cosmic plazma. Our individual monitors - the very screens on which our lives are projected - can be either realized or ignored.

Today I saw so many shadows that they kind of overwhemed me ... shadows of past, present and future events that made me both happy and sad, joyous and glad, but ultimately content in the knowlege that my life has been so full.

When we reflect on our lives, I think perhaps the most important thing to remember is that they are only there because we remember them ... should we not remember than they will forget too.

The cosmos is a magical place ... I have found it a special place. It is a place of both shadows and sunlight, it is a place of eternal delight if we want it to be so.

So what have I learned today? Maybe the fact that yesterday was shadow and today is sunlight but tomorrow is a rememberance of both and therefore the culmination of it all ...

The River

There is a place where the river slows and you can rest from its flow, a place of quiet retreat, a place to reflect upon yourself and where your journey will lead.

Today I sat on the boat in Portsmouth Bay and watched the river flow by. The amazing strength of its tremendous tidal flow when rushing back to the sea is awesome indeed. At times it would seem that the boat could be enveloped in its current and swept away. Then in another instant a quiet pause, and stillness would bring a welcome time of flat water, a repose before refilling it self and beginning the journey all over again. It is as if the universe were breathing in rhythm with the planet and the waters were its blood flow.

I have felt this rhythm many times before in the power of the purple mountain majesty of the West Coast or in the serene silence of a desert morning, and in the wind blown plains of the Midwest. The face of god is imprinted on all these facets and formations making them and us most magical.

How fortunate we are to be apart of such magnificence and how grateful we should be to live in its reflections. If we could but sit back and breathe in its energy we could fly to the stars and swim in its cosmic ocean where time ceases to exist and eternity reigns supreme.

Tonight I will behold the magic of another full moon over the harbor and howl at its beauty. I already bristle at the awesomeness of the spectacle and how wondrous this ritual can be. I will think to myself how powerful the cosmos is but also just how fragile it and we can be.

I am at peace ...

Another Anniversay in Time

Two years and counting ... another anniversary in time.

Two years since my life hit the reset button. Two years since the universe changed course. And two years since I began to breathe again.

Time it seems is a unmeasurable quantity. If we try to add together the sum of its parts we find it to be lacking in the total of its dimension. Instead I think we must consider it a variable and take comfort in its arms.

As the parade of my life unfolds before me I find that every day whether large or small is a  gift most special. If not for the past there would be no future, and without the future there of course could be no past. If for no other reason time holds the cup of life in suspension and offers it to us when most needed.

Today, this day most special, as I feel the weight of a thousand summers on my soul I can only sit back and wonder how it was that once upon a time the promise of tomorrow rested sweet upon my lips while today the fruit is bitter sweet but still most desirable.

Perhaps the conclusion that should be taken rests in the arms of the gods ... yesterday, today and tomorrow are in fact all one in the same. Embrace them as you would your lover for together they are the meaning of the game.

Yesterday, today and forever I'll be loving you ...

To Live and Love Again and Again ...

Something happened today ... I'm not quite sure what it was but it felt good, very good indeed. Kind of like the fluttering of angel wings or the kiss of sunlight on your cheek.

You see for the past year or so I have been struggling to find a meaning to my life again. That's right "a new meaning" because you see there is not just one "meaning of life" there is a meaning of life for each and everyone of us - and sometimes many meanings for us in one lifetime!

If the gods had wanted us to be complacent with a "one shot life" I think that they would have probably not given us the many means that we have to our ends. Therefore, believe it or not, we cannot blame our destinys on anyone but ourselves for in the end, isn't it our own predictions that finally make things come true?

I have said before that we exist merely because we will it to be. Should we decide that we don't want to continue this journey then we can in fact stop it at any time. Therefore it is up to us to decide in which direction our life will take us.

I know, people say that it is Divine Providence or that it is the will of god but I disagree. We, all of us, are totally responsible for our actions and therefore our destinies. I know that I am  and I am thankful for the opportunity. So why not make the most of it and enjoy the challenge? Isn't it more fun to live and lose then to never have lived at all ...

Love you Jack ... Thanks for being my guiding light!

A Night of Kismet

Last night something magical happened ... a gathering of friends to honor a life, a relationship and a career. The event took place in an intimate setting overlooking majestic Lincoln Park. It was as if time had been suspended for a few hours so that the participants could bask in the pure joy and happiness of a golden couple who have given life and love to each other, to their family and to their friends as well. The accolades were many and heartfelt and the love in the room could be seen as it seemed to permeate every corner and everyone there.

Not many of such occasions occur these days. Unfortunately it seems that we live in a world of instant gratification and total self absorption ... we run from day to day and hour to hour with our lives embedded in our i-Phones, on our i-Pads and i-don't know what new electronic device next. Even I who have resisted this ADD world for so long have become caught up in it I fear. Never enough time and never enough gigabytes to satisfy our lust for life there is this desperate need for intimate interaction with our fellow humans but we can't seem to find how to get it.

Perhaps there is a simple answer to our dilemma. Could it be that all we really need to do to fulfill our lonely lives is to give ourselves to each other as friends and lovers ... to reach out and touch each other with our voices and minds and to be one with life and love, and each other? I for one know, and have known the true bliss that can occur when one is one with another ... that moment when you and time become one and the world seems to shine brighter. It is in that moment I think that we really shine!

A Stairway to the Stars

The curtain opens and there is this staircase that fills the stage. It is stark but impressive. You cannot see the top and it is dramatically lit so as to draw you upward in anticipation of a coming event. Perhaps it is the herald of a new day or it could be the end of one, but you won't know for sure until you climb it.

it is June and the weather has been interesting to say the least; Hot one day and cold the next ... Sunny and cloudy with wind and then not. There is an ancient Chinese curse which goes "may you live in interesting times", and I fear we are.

Today I am not sure once more in which direction I am headed. It could be the weather that is clouding my vision or maybe it is just the times. I have noticed of late that what used to be seems to not matter as much anymore and that which could be is no longer for sure.

Another birthday has passed forgotten by most and with a lonely anniversary upcoming I seem to be poised on the threshold of something new, but what it is I am not sure. Friendships and love affairs come and go but my heart is still contained as though locked in a jeweled box somewhere in eternity and I hold the only key, but have lost it.

Time has become my enemy and unless I can win it back ... I am stranded on this desolate shore. But wait, maybe it could be that the staircase which is calling to me is in fact a reminder that I am merely an actor in this mellow drama and it is time once again to change the set. First I think though I must climb that staircase to see what is there.

The Promise of Renewal

It is important I think to keep the promises that we make to ourselves, if we do not then how can we be trusted with those made to others?

Today I met a young man who was bar tending at a restaurant on the beach in Santa Monica. As we talked I noticed that he seemed particularly happy with his situation, almost euphoric. I asked him what it was that made him so happy this day and he replied "why should I be unhappy? I live and work on the beach in a most beautiful city. My commute is a walk along the ocean on the beach, and I meet some of the most interesting people every day". His name, believe it or not, was "Renewal" and he was born an American Indian in a small town up in upstate Washington. When he was a young boy he enjoyed the lazy country life of the vineyards that he and his family worked in to make a living. But as he matured he promised himself that one day he would live on the beach in southern California and enjoy the "good life".

On his way from Washington to California however he took a detour to Las Vegas where he bar-tended for 7 years. The excitement of sin city captured his attention in his 20's. It wasn't until until 30 when he remembered that this was not his final destination but only a means to get to it. At that moment he told me, he heard his father's voice saying "Renewal it is time for your promise to become reality", and so it did.

We all make promises to ourselves and others but many times they get lost in the excitement of the moment and must be rescued. My partner and I promised each other many things over our lifetime together and almost everyone has been fulfilled, the few that are remaining will be as well and coming to Santa Monica for a glorious Memorial Day weekend was one that was easy to keep!

I am now flying back to Chicago it is 8pm and the sun is setting. As I head back east to my Chicago life; the clouds are paying homage to the day and I am basking it their west coast reflection. Life needs to be coddled and nurtured, and lived as though it will end any moment. Meeting Renewal was I think a most auspicious occasion, for isn't it renewal and its promises that keeps us going after all?



Mortality - A Simple Rhyme

I think that perhaps the single most depressing sound that I have ever heard is the sound of resolute despair; that moment when one realizes their life is over but they are somehow still living it. I have journeyed there.

It comes to us in many forms: the young man seeing his mortality in the moment of his first triumph; the young woman seeing her life over in the moment of first birth; or the single person seeking solace in the emptiness of self awareness.

I have journeyed many miles and lived in many lives finding in them both happiness and despair. But what has made the journey through life most wonderful has been those moments of unrequited love, those moments of joy and care. For in those precious moments when time stands still I find myself awake and while watching the world race by I see it also standing in place.

Would that I could repeat my life I think that I would find not much would change in fact it might only just realign. For if in living you can find the thread that leads you to your goal, then all the rest is of no concern because you have found your soul.

So what is the moral to my rhyme and what is the meaning told? Maybe just the simple truth that we are our own goal.

A Portal Into My Soul

There is a window in my bedroom on the third floor that looks out onto my ash and cherry trees, and onto the deck as well. I have spent many hours there as the years have passed. It has become my special space to rest and meditate, and to dream. "A place where I can go to tell my troubles to" if you will.


In the summer the view is lush and full, enveloped in an abundance of foliage and flowers. In the fall the trees are ablaze with the golden colors of nature at it's most robust. In the winter the view is of cold silhouetted branches in black and white sometimes glazed with ice or powdered with a fluffy coat of snow.

But come the spring nature puts on a show like no other. Sometime around the vernal equinox the buds begin to swell and then finally explode in a profusion of fragrant color adorning my deck with their resplendent beauty.

There are times throughout the year when I awake in the morning to the luminescence of a beaded stencil outlining the branches of my ash tree. From the window next to my bed, I look out upon it's branches and on to another space in time. Sometimes a picture of the past emerges like the face of gentle friend giving me comfort in what has been; sometimes it is the specter of a future event that mingles with my mind and gives rise to the anxiety of what might come. In any event this magical portal is and has been the venue through which I have watched my life unfold these many years and has been both a friend and foe to me. In times of sickness or loss it has comforted me, in times of joy and celebration it has held me up; but always and ever it is there for me.

Everyone has their own special place ... that place where they can take refuge and hide away from the world when it becomes too intense or merely to just sit and dream. There are certain places that register as calming or friendly, or just plain pleasant to be in. But in those moments of need it is important to remember that when we are not at home or near our special place we can always visit it in our minds.

This Veil of Tears

Today as I watched all the commotion and emotion spinning around the extinction of the terrorist Osama, I couldn't help but to feel a little happiness; happiness that we were finally rid of this pestilence but also sadness because it brought forward images that had been festering in my soul for these nine and one half years.

The thing to remember here is that what has transpired is only really a sentence in a novel that is our life. There a many other things on our plates that should be given more attention but are eclipsed by this more popular and less important event.

Would that this could be a turning point in our lives. Would that from now going forward we could concentrate on positive thoughts and not the negatives. Perhaps we can. My grandmother had a saying that she would bring out on occasion when things were not so positive and she was feeling a little negative. She would say "life can be like a veil of tears sometimes, but it is only a vail and can be lifted in a moment should we chose to do so". In her infinite wisdom this lovely pioneer lady could always hit the nail on the head, so to speak. I think that the most important thing I learned from her was how to be a man and a human being. She told me many times in many ways that to be strong and human is to be sensitive and caring as well. If we could just channel our anger and angst into a more positive flow what a world this would be!

So how about a little celebration for the death of evil but more so a large celebration of life and love, and living together in peace and joy. We can lift the veil of tears and we must. My grandmother would want it to be that way after all ...