The Promise of Renewal

It is important I think to keep the promises that we make to ourselves, if we do not then how can we be trusted with those made to others?

Today I met a young man who was bar tending at a restaurant on the beach in Santa Monica. As we talked I noticed that he seemed particularly happy with his situation, almost euphoric. I asked him what it was that made him so happy this day and he replied "why should I be unhappy? I live and work on the beach in a most beautiful city. My commute is a walk along the ocean on the beach, and I meet some of the most interesting people every day". His name, believe it or not, was "Renewal" and he was born an American Indian in a small town up in upstate Washington. When he was a young boy he enjoyed the lazy country life of the vineyards that he and his family worked in to make a living. But as he matured he promised himself that one day he would live on the beach in southern California and enjoy the "good life".

On his way from Washington to California however he took a detour to Las Vegas where he bar-tended for 7 years. The excitement of sin city captured his attention in his 20's. It wasn't until until 30 when he remembered that this was not his final destination but only a means to get to it. At that moment he told me, he heard his father's voice saying "Renewal it is time for your promise to become reality", and so it did.

We all make promises to ourselves and others but many times they get lost in the excitement of the moment and must be rescued. My partner and I promised each other many things over our lifetime together and almost everyone has been fulfilled, the few that are remaining will be as well and coming to Santa Monica for a glorious Memorial Day weekend was one that was easy to keep!

I am now flying back to Chicago it is 8pm and the sun is setting. As I head back east to my Chicago life; the clouds are paying homage to the day and I am basking it their west coast reflection. Life needs to be coddled and nurtured, and lived as though it will end any moment. Meeting Renewal was I think a most auspicious occasion, for isn't it renewal and its promises that keeps us going after all?



Mortality - A Simple Rhyme

I think that perhaps the single most depressing sound that I have ever heard is the sound of resolute despair; that moment when one realizes their life is over but they are somehow still living it. I have journeyed there.

It comes to us in many forms: the young man seeing his mortality in the moment of his first triumph; the young woman seeing her life over in the moment of first birth; or the single person seeking solace in the emptiness of self awareness.

I have journeyed many miles and lived in many lives finding in them both happiness and despair. But what has made the journey through life most wonderful has been those moments of unrequited love, those moments of joy and care. For in those precious moments when time stands still I find myself awake and while watching the world race by I see it also standing in place.

Would that I could repeat my life I think that I would find not much would change in fact it might only just realign. For if in living you can find the thread that leads you to your goal, then all the rest is of no concern because you have found your soul.

So what is the moral to my rhyme and what is the meaning told? Maybe just the simple truth that we are our own goal.

A Portal Into My Soul

There is a window in my bedroom on the third floor that looks out onto my ash and cherry trees, and onto the deck as well. I have spent many hours there as the years have passed. It has become my special space to rest and meditate, and to dream. "A place where I can go to tell my troubles to" if you will.


In the summer the view is lush and full, enveloped in an abundance of foliage and flowers. In the fall the trees are ablaze with the golden colors of nature at it's most robust. In the winter the view is of cold silhouetted branches in black and white sometimes glazed with ice or powdered with a fluffy coat of snow.

But come the spring nature puts on a show like no other. Sometime around the vernal equinox the buds begin to swell and then finally explode in a profusion of fragrant color adorning my deck with their resplendent beauty.

There are times throughout the year when I awake in the morning to the luminescence of a beaded stencil outlining the branches of my ash tree. From the window next to my bed, I look out upon it's branches and on to another space in time. Sometimes a picture of the past emerges like the face of gentle friend giving me comfort in what has been; sometimes it is the specter of a future event that mingles with my mind and gives rise to the anxiety of what might come. In any event this magical portal is and has been the venue through which I have watched my life unfold these many years and has been both a friend and foe to me. In times of sickness or loss it has comforted me, in times of joy and celebration it has held me up; but always and ever it is there for me.

Everyone has their own special place ... that place where they can take refuge and hide away from the world when it becomes too intense or merely to just sit and dream. There are certain places that register as calming or friendly, or just plain pleasant to be in. But in those moments of need it is important to remember that when we are not at home or near our special place we can always visit it in our minds.

This Veil of Tears

Today as I watched all the commotion and emotion spinning around the extinction of the terrorist Osama, I couldn't help but to feel a little happiness; happiness that we were finally rid of this pestilence but also sadness because it brought forward images that had been festering in my soul for these nine and one half years.

The thing to remember here is that what has transpired is only really a sentence in a novel that is our life. There a many other things on our plates that should be given more attention but are eclipsed by this more popular and less important event.

Would that this could be a turning point in our lives. Would that from now going forward we could concentrate on positive thoughts and not the negatives. Perhaps we can. My grandmother had a saying that she would bring out on occasion when things were not so positive and she was feeling a little negative. She would say "life can be like a veil of tears sometimes, but it is only a vail and can be lifted in a moment should we chose to do so". In her infinite wisdom this lovely pioneer lady could always hit the nail on the head, so to speak. I think that the most important thing I learned from her was how to be a man and a human being. She told me many times in many ways that to be strong and human is to be sensitive and caring as well. If we could just channel our anger and angst into a more positive flow what a world this would be!

So how about a little celebration for the death of evil but more so a large celebration of life and love, and living together in peace and joy. We can lift the veil of tears and we must. My grandmother would want it to be that way after all ...

The Hour of the Wolf

Do you ever find yourself not able to sleep in the middle of the night but not really awake either; that twilight sleep that comes during "the hour of the wolf". It is during this time that I find myself most awake. A time before rem but after non-rem sleep.

It is 3am and time for the visitations to begin. Funny how the serenity of the night can open the door to the nether world. It is in that after midnight mist of my mind that I find my way to this other world, a world that is full of my creations; a world of comfort and confrontations. But it is in this other world that I find my soul waiting for me both patiently and anxious as well.

There is a procession of moments that occurs as my soul takes flight in this magical night. A litany of facts and feelings that conjure and capture, and caress my weary mind. Anesthetized by the lull of silent space I can see clearly the crystals of my conscious existence and watch them bloom like flowers in this endless space. This is my nirvana, my magical meditation and my penance for being me at once.

As the endless night wears on I am swept up in a wave of emotions that takes me to a peaceful shore; and with this tide I become the soil of a new beach on which I can reflect time itself.

From a long distance there comes the sound of the sunshine of a new day and the spell is broken. It is now time to awaken to my moment of reality. I must put back together the fractured pieces of my mind once again and start the new day all over. But I secretly know that in not so many hours I will be freed again by the midnight mist to become the time traveler once more and bask in the reflections of my lives.

It is now morning and I am awake and ready for the new day. The sun is shining and from the window by my bed I can see that the cherry tree's blossoms have finally opened and the birds are singing their songs in its branches. I am awake aren't I - or am I still dreaming?

The Legacy of A Life

While having lunch the other day I overheard a fellow say to his lunch date - "what legacy do you think that am I going to leave when I die" ... What an odd question I thought to myself. Why would one ask such a question and why would one care what some else thinks when it comes to self worth? Aren't we the measure of ourselves in the end, and after all is said and done who else should judge us?

Then I thought, well maybe there are times when we lose ourselves in this vast ocean of humanity and while swimming fast and furiously to keep afloat we forget in which direction lies our shore. The legacy that each and everyone of us leaves is very simply the foot print that we have forged throughout our lives. To try to embellish this legacy at the end is like trying to save a souffle after it has fallen flat. If we are not careful of our actions along the way the legacy that we leave will likewise be diminished.

So I told myself today that from this moment on I will be more aware of my life and how it affects the rest of the universe because it is not just my foot print that is being laid but rather those of all the others that I touch. In some way we all affect each other and the total cosmic consciousness is impacted by our actions.

When I was younger and more naive I used to think that I was the center of the universe and that all things revolved around me. As I grew older I thought to myself that I really didn't matter so much, that things seemed to work around and in spite of me. But perception is in the eye of the perceiver and as I perceive my life today I find that it has grown and evolved into something new again. I am in fact the center of the universe, my universe and so are we all in turn. Like planets revolving around the sun or galaxies around universe we all turn and spin in our own orbits until or unless one goes astray and collides with another. It is then in that moment that we can make tremendous differences and even alter the realms of eternity. For as the poet William Blake once said "eternity is in love with the productions of time" ...