Sunshine on the Soul

What happens if you don't listen to your soul? Maybe it just leaves you for a better place, and in so doing leaves you an empty shell that only exists because it must, or until it mustn't.

How sad when we don't recognise our moments in the sun; those moments that encourage and caress us with the promise of forever more. Like the sunshine on a patch of paradise they are fleeting and then forever gone. If we could only capture them in our heart they would beat there forever.

I have had many moments in the sun and have enjoyed them all but in different ways. When we are young we enjoy the careless moments, those of unrestrained joy and rapture in the mere fact that they are just there. As we get older, but not necessarily wiser, we tend to mingle our emotions with our new found feelings of adventure and conquest. But then as the sun sets and begins its journey into night we are reminded that our moments are measured and are not necessarily with us eternally, at least not unless we want them to be.

I sat with friends today in the celebration of the spring equinox and it reminded me of times past and present when the thing that one wants most is to be coddled and comforted; to be loved but free; to be happy and sad together; but to be in love with life forever.

So in this equinox of 2011, I am finding myself free and loved by friends; but happy and sad together because I am not coddled and comforted as I might like. I am however still in love with life and that is the first step in regrowing it.

As the day moved along and gently pushed us toward evening I began to feel an awakening within. It was like the sound of a distant shore where the waves relentlessly pound their cadence - a primal call to join in. Every person that I had talked to that day had come to this celebration of life with their cups either half full or in fact overflowing, but after the ritual they had all left a little more complete. It is there, I believe, in that meeting of minds that the secret to a well nourished life can be found. It is not just that we live our lives in the daily drone of the expected but rather that we enhance them with the dazzle of new experiences. Every meeting and every encounter is an opportunity for growth. Whether alone or in pairs we must eventually stand alone in life and either embrace it or reject it but if we do embrace it than what a wonder it can and will be.

Arriving home that evening I sat down in my favorite chair, in my favorite place with my favorite memories and remembered them fondly; and in so doing freed my spirit once more to go forward again.

A Season of the Senses

I'm not sure what is happening but it seems that the closer I get to the end of one emotion the farther I am from another. I seem to be haunted these past weeks by memories of past perfect moments; ancient moments of bliss that stand transfixed in the crystalline essence of sunny summer days. Many a moment gently blows by like the cool warm breeze of early spring only to be replaced by other more powerful memories of another season. While basking in the pure joy of a time of love and light I am at once overwhelmed by a glimpse into an opposite moment equally shared.

I have been rather curiously occupied recently by old tunes from my past lives. Recently a song called "The Summer of 69" has taken up residence in my head; preceded by other equally vintage tunes they have entranced me and made me think of other and older instances where time paused ever so briefly to give me rest.

Perhaps it is the volatility of the Easter Equinox or perhaps it is the passing Passover that have pushed and pulled me and made me more anxious. Someone once said to me that all journeys tend to have two faces, the first is curious and the second expected. Much like a first venture from the safety of the nest we are alert and ever cautious of dangers unknown while the next journey is anticipated and therefore much more relaxed and enjoyed. Time and space can however play their tricks too, as one settles into later years the journey can become blurred by flash backs to an earlier experience.

Today I find myself straddling the past and future much like a tight rope walker and the balance seems to come from both sides. Could it be once again that the lesson I am being taught here is that the simple answer to the riddle of life lies in the question, and that way to understanding lies in the path to it?

Here it comes again and this time I must catch it and hold onto it if I want to fly. The March wind has given me wings and the April rains have bathed me and made me ready for the warm/cool moment of May. Like the seed planted in the fall I must make ready for the moment of bloom if I am to survive another cycle.

So I will seize the moment and let it take me to where it may knowing that in its current I will eventually find both the beginning and the end.

May yours been a safe journey as well in this season of the senses and perhaps we will meet in the middle somewhere for a moment of simple joy reflected in the new but familiar faces of time.

Those were the best days of our lives

I was turning channels on my TV this morning when I came across a strange little movie called Pirate Radio starring a motley cast of English heavyweights along with Philip Seymour Hoffman. Pretty much of a B movie all in all but there was a redemption. There is this scene where The Count (Philip Seymour Hoffman) tells his godson Carl (Tom Sturridge) that he had a terrible thought which has stuck in his mind and will probably be there forever; that thought was that "these were the best days of their lives".

I know that thought very well since I have had it many times in my life and I now seem to be having it again. But the point here is that I am having it again! How many times can one say this? The answer I think is as many times as you can.

Life doesn't have to end at the end of a chapter, nor should it. No we can't put the book down every time there is a chapter that doesn't fulfill our expectations. Either we go on reading until we find that next happy part or perhaps we rewrite. In any event it must not be thrown in the dust bin just because of a temporary down turn.

As I watched the movie I thought to myself why don't I rewrite my life one more time. But after all the rewrites that I have already done I'm not sure exactly what it is that I want anymore. Sounds strange I know but there comes a time when you just need to sit back and watch someone else for a while. You need to re- energise and to recalibrate. Maybe the book is finished and just needs the notes and a denouement. Each of us has our own index and our own number of pages on which to write. Some of us are novels and others are short stories but all of us have content and a story to tell. Whether we choose to elaborate or not is the question. How much do we love life or has it all been spent? I have had many best years but I hope that there will be more.

So I guess the answer to the riddle lies in the question of who we are and where we are, and how long do we want to be there. I'm still standing for the moment ...

My Friends and Family

Last night I was invited to a gathering of friends and family for the celebration of a special birthday. As the evening started it was apparent that everyone there had one thing in common and that was the birthday boy. It was so refreshing to be amongst such warm and thoughtful people, and to be a part of that unique occasion for it is not often in my experience that this kind of thing transpires with such ease and grace. What, I thought to myself, made the evening so special and how did these people come together? As the evening continued it became very obvious that the person whose anniversary we were celebrating was the pivot that brought and kept them all, together and served as the patriarch as well.

Last night reminded me of another occasion when family and friends gathered in the hills above the city of Florence for another special event. It was that night that my partner and I celebrated our 25th year anniversary and "the family" was there as well. Every family or group, or gathering has at its center a special person or thing that drives it and makes it work. My friend Alan is that person, a kind and gentle man who has gained the love and respect of both family and friends and stands as an example of how it is and should be done. All it really takes is honesty with self and others and understanding that each and all while special and unique can still be part of that unit.

Being a single gay man I have had perhaps a few more hurdles to jump than most but it has also been my good fortune to have so many mentors over the years, both straight and gay, to help me. People who have instilled in me the wisdom to follow my feelings in life and love, and the knowledge of how to live it. If I were to name them all I know that I would be missing as many so I won't, but suffice to say that each and every one of them contributed to making me be the person that I am today.

As birthdays and anniversaries come and go there is one thing that always remains a constant and that is the fact that good friends and family will always be there should you need them. But, don't forget that they must be nurtured as well. When there is a need or in crisis they are the support that is there to shore us up and help us move forward - if not then there is a hole in the soul that must be mended and made whole again so that we can stand our ground and be proud to be part of that very special gathering again.

So then, here is to our friends and relations. The people that give us life and the strength to live it. Here is to all our special others that nurture us and make us whole, and here is to all the love that is derived from that compilation which makes us better people.

A Moment of Transgression

Today I grabbed a jacket out of the closet  to venture out to lunch, the weather being a little chilly all be it April. I noticed a pair of reading glasses in one of the pockets that belonged to my partner Jack. This happens quite often as I still hold on to lots of things that belonged to him because they are most definitely a comfort and a reminder of life most beautiful. I discovered however something else that rocked my world one more time. It was a slip of paper that had an address written in his hand. It was the restaurant where we had had our last lunch. The very thing that I had avoided these many months had come back to confront me.

What does one do when confronted with the inevitable truth, the one that has stalked you forever since? I'm still not really sure. I cried, I remembered, I hurt. But you know the thing that I did best perhaps was to cry and remember because in so doing I relived and enjoyed again - one more time.

It is I think most important not to bury memories and love with loss. Love can and should go on forever and in its forevers become stronger and more beloved. Isn't it these rememberances that make the whole thing make sense; and isn't it after all the feelings and the love that make it ok? When the weight of life pushes down on us and makes us hurt it is in that moment that we call on these strengths to shore us up and help us to cope.

So my apologies to one and all for my transgression but I had to get this one out.

Thank you Jack for the reminder. Spring is here or will be shortly and I love you!

In My Life I've Loved Them All

What happens when you play an old tune? For me it can open pages from past perfect moments. It can ignite embers still smoldering in the dark spaces of a long lost remembrance and fill your soul with a song; a song that can linger on your senses like the mist of a mornings day in Provence or the gentle gurgling of a mountain spring at midday in a forest green in Idyllwild; perhaps a sunset in Florence, or why not forever in Paris. It can also take you places not accessible by mere mortal means.

Today I played a tune made popular by the Beatles in 1965 "In My Life" and my mind was immediately flooded with a myriad of emotions; to steal a phrase "there are places I remember all my life - with lovers and friends I can still recall". To have such memories can be an overwhelming joy and comfort; not to have them would mean that they never existed, and that would truly be a tragedy.

So once again I find myself stirring embers on a cold and sullen spring day morning in Chicago; embers that will both warm me and hold me secure until the later day sun can take on the mantle and bring me to its renewal.

Because we are creatures of the earth there is a bond we share with both micro and macrocosm, and that is our ability to feel and to love. How great is that! What would life be like I wonder if my senses were not with me. The answer is of course there would be no life and I know that I would not want to exist either.

As John Lennon once said "In my life I've loved them all ..."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UKQpRgxyyqo&feature=related

A Spring Awakening

As I awoke today I felt a lightness in my being, a feeling that I have not felt in quite sometime. Maybe it is the warmth of the sun coaxing the spring buds into bloom. Perhaps it is the sound of birds calling out to their mates in a serenade of new life. Or it just might be the fact that I have chosen to open my wings again and to rebuild my garden after the ravages of the long hard winter.

Now don't get me wrong, I love the winter and in its own way it has a special place in my heart; for it is in the internment of winter that our energies are given rest and our souls can sleep in that special cocoon woven from the threads of past encounters. But it is the spring that tells us it is OK to awake and arise, and to begin the process again, one more time.

I'm still a little shaky, as my winter limbs are not just ready for the challenge, but they will catch up in time; they have no choice but to join in. There is a saying that the older the tree the more stable its roots and the more branches it can produce. So this year, this spring, I have found that I have been given an abundance of growth that I must nourish if I would have it bloom; So many songs to sing that I don't know where to start and so much energy that I must share it or be consumed by it.

Our new garden lies before us and as we walk though its fragrant blossoms and fruited branches let us remember that they are only here because we have grown them; and they are here to share or they will fall to the ground wasted. With all that is going on around us everyday it is easy to get lost in life's underbrush. We can become separated from the reality. But if we just concentrate on the basics and stay within the parameters the path we have laid will eventually lead us to the other side, the successful conclusion and another harvest.

The Red Squirrel & Me

I saw the Red Squirrel again today. He is back from his winters nap and looking for food. On the fence above him sits one of the pair of Cardinals. The male with his bright red feathers forming a perfect peak on his regal head is nervously surveying the deck for signs of danger as his mate, a taupe colored lady with an orange bill and black markings, comes in for a snack. Finally as if by rote the Robin appears who seems to be the dominant animal in my menagerie of pets.

The Robin and family have been cohabiting with us for over 15 years now. Jack & I have always taken care of them making sure that they have fresh water to bath in and food when needed. They have raised many generations in the shelter of our Ash & Cherry Trees and are always welcome. The Cardinals are a bit more aloof but never the less they are welcome as well as they add to the ambiance of our enchanted deck and make it all the more special.

As for the squirrel, he is rather new this last year but I think probably related to the very first squirrels that we befriended many years ago. When we moved in to our house we were fascinated by the wild life that came to visit. One of the most intriguing was the squirrel family. They came to visit and enchanted us with their friendly demeanor. They would line up to receive their treats and we would enjoy the show. We were soon however to discover that they were not the docile creatures that we had thought they where. One spring day when we had stopped the winter feeding of gourmet nuts and such, the lead squirrel decided that he wanted more and proceeded to eat his way through our screen door to get into the house. This was a definite signal that we needed to distance ourselves from the furry critters and we did for several years.

People have told me again and again that I should think about getting a dog, or a cat, or a bird, or something else. My answer is simply that I don't need the responsibility, nor do I have the time. But in fact the real answer is that I already have my pets and they require much less care if any at all. They are gifts from nature and more than satisfy my need for amusement. Can I hold them and pet them? No. But I don't enjoy petting animals anyway. I find it much more enjoyable to be able to watch them from my window while writing a  manuscript or sipping a drink and on occasion I can still give them a treat.

So there you have it. I do have the best of all worlds I think. I love them all at a distance and you know what ? Actually the little Red Squirrel reminds me of Jack!

That Old Paschal Moon

Easter for the Western Christians is always celebrated on the Sunday immediately following the first Paschal full moon (or first full moon after Passover) after the vernal (spring) equinox. As if this is not complicated enough The Eastern Christians celebrate it on a different day mainly because they use the Gregorian calendar while the Westerners use the Julian. One final note of explanation for this movable feast is that all this is based on the calculations that establish the date for Passover which is thus: according to the Ecclesiastical tables, the Paschal (Passover) Full Moon is the first Ecclesiastical Full Moon date after March 20 (which happened to be the vernal equinox date in 325 AD). So, in Western Christianity, Easter is always celebrated on the Sunday immediately following the Paschal Full Moon. Got that?

Now let me just ask one question: does anyone really care when the Easter Bunny makes his appearance? As long as the weather warms up and spring break occurs sometime in late March or early April it's cool. I remember several years when my only concern was that the giant chocolate bunny basket would appear at all. Had I been a good boy that year, or wait, I guess the good/bad thing was more Christmas and Santa Claus. One year my mother had hidden my Easter basket in the front window and when we came back from church my bunny had melted all over the jelly beans and marshmallow Peeps. What a mess!

Today it is the vernal equinox that is my signal to rev up for spring and all the excitement that accompanies it. It is a time of exuberance and fertility, a celebration of the abundance of nature. In fact, a time for the celebration of just about everything. Winter is over! We've made it!

As I prepare for the coming of the this event I am reminded of a ritual incantation that was used to invoke Ostara the Germanic goddess of Springtime. It goes something like this:

Spirits of the East, spirits of air,
Awaken us with the Spring breeze
 
Spirits of the South, spirits of fire,
Warm us with the rising sun

Spirits of the West, spirits of water,
Wash us in gentle rain

Spirits of the North, spirits of earth,
Clothe us in the finery of new growth

Ah, traditions and ceremonies. They are all part and parcel of what makes us tick after all. So Happy Easter and a blessed Passover. But even more so a happy blessed Spring Equinox because it is the Spring renewal that is the real celebration here.