To Live and Love Again and Again ...

Something happened today ... I'm not quite sure what it was but it felt good, very good indeed. Kind of like the fluttering of angel wings or the kiss of sunlight on your cheek.

You see for the past year or so I have been struggling to find a meaning to my life again. That's right "a new meaning" because you see there is not just one "meaning of life" there is a meaning of life for each and everyone of us - and sometimes many meanings for us in one lifetime!

If the gods had wanted us to be complacent with a "one shot life" I think that they would have probably not given us the many means that we have to our ends. Therefore, believe it or not, we cannot blame our destinys on anyone but ourselves for in the end, isn't it our own predictions that finally make things come true?

I have said before that we exist merely because we will it to be. Should we decide that we don't want to continue this journey then we can in fact stop it at any time. Therefore it is up to us to decide in which direction our life will take us.

I know, people say that it is Divine Providence or that it is the will of god but I disagree. We, all of us, are totally responsible for our actions and therefore our destinies. I know that I am  and I am thankful for the opportunity. So why not make the most of it and enjoy the challenge? Isn't it more fun to live and lose then to never have lived at all ...

Love you Jack ... Thanks for being my guiding light!

A Night of Kismet

Last night something magical happened ... a gathering of friends to honor a life, a relationship and a career. The event took place in an intimate setting overlooking majestic Lincoln Park. It was as if time had been suspended for a few hours so that the participants could bask in the pure joy and happiness of a golden couple who have given life and love to each other, to their family and to their friends as well. The accolades were many and heartfelt and the love in the room could be seen as it seemed to permeate every corner and everyone there.

Not many of such occasions occur these days. Unfortunately it seems that we live in a world of instant gratification and total self absorption ... we run from day to day and hour to hour with our lives embedded in our i-Phones, on our i-Pads and i-don't know what new electronic device next. Even I who have resisted this ADD world for so long have become caught up in it I fear. Never enough time and never enough gigabytes to satisfy our lust for life there is this desperate need for intimate interaction with our fellow humans but we can't seem to find how to get it.

Perhaps there is a simple answer to our dilemma. Could it be that all we really need to do to fulfill our lonely lives is to give ourselves to each other as friends and lovers ... to reach out and touch each other with our voices and minds and to be one with life and love, and each other? I for one know, and have known the true bliss that can occur when one is one with another ... that moment when you and time become one and the world seems to shine brighter. It is in that moment I think that we really shine!

A Stairway to the Stars

The curtain opens and there is this staircase that fills the stage. It is stark but impressive. You cannot see the top and it is dramatically lit so as to draw you upward in anticipation of a coming event. Perhaps it is the herald of a new day or it could be the end of one, but you won't know for sure until you climb it.

it is June and the weather has been interesting to say the least; Hot one day and cold the next ... Sunny and cloudy with wind and then not. There is an ancient Chinese curse which goes "may you live in interesting times", and I fear we are.

Today I am not sure once more in which direction I am headed. It could be the weather that is clouding my vision or maybe it is just the times. I have noticed of late that what used to be seems to not matter as much anymore and that which could be is no longer for sure.

Another birthday has passed forgotten by most and with a lonely anniversary upcoming I seem to be poised on the threshold of something new, but what it is I am not sure. Friendships and love affairs come and go but my heart is still contained as though locked in a jeweled box somewhere in eternity and I hold the only key, but have lost it.

Time has become my enemy and unless I can win it back ... I am stranded on this desolate shore. But wait, maybe it could be that the staircase which is calling to me is in fact a reminder that I am merely an actor in this mellow drama and it is time once again to change the set. First I think though I must climb that staircase to see what is there.

The Promise of Renewal

It is important I think to keep the promises that we make to ourselves, if we do not then how can we be trusted with those made to others?

Today I met a young man who was bar tending at a restaurant on the beach in Santa Monica. As we talked I noticed that he seemed particularly happy with his situation, almost euphoric. I asked him what it was that made him so happy this day and he replied "why should I be unhappy? I live and work on the beach in a most beautiful city. My commute is a walk along the ocean on the beach, and I meet some of the most interesting people every day". His name, believe it or not, was "Renewal" and he was born an American Indian in a small town up in upstate Washington. When he was a young boy he enjoyed the lazy country life of the vineyards that he and his family worked in to make a living. But as he matured he promised himself that one day he would live on the beach in southern California and enjoy the "good life".

On his way from Washington to California however he took a detour to Las Vegas where he bar-tended for 7 years. The excitement of sin city captured his attention in his 20's. It wasn't until until 30 when he remembered that this was not his final destination but only a means to get to it. At that moment he told me, he heard his father's voice saying "Renewal it is time for your promise to become reality", and so it did.

We all make promises to ourselves and others but many times they get lost in the excitement of the moment and must be rescued. My partner and I promised each other many things over our lifetime together and almost everyone has been fulfilled, the few that are remaining will be as well and coming to Santa Monica for a glorious Memorial Day weekend was one that was easy to keep!

I am now flying back to Chicago it is 8pm and the sun is setting. As I head back east to my Chicago life; the clouds are paying homage to the day and I am basking it their west coast reflection. Life needs to be coddled and nurtured, and lived as though it will end any moment. Meeting Renewal was I think a most auspicious occasion, for isn't it renewal and its promises that keeps us going after all?



Mortality - A Simple Rhyme

I think that perhaps the single most depressing sound that I have ever heard is the sound of resolute despair; that moment when one realizes their life is over but they are somehow still living it. I have journeyed there.

It comes to us in many forms: the young man seeing his mortality in the moment of his first triumph; the young woman seeing her life over in the moment of first birth; or the single person seeking solace in the emptiness of self awareness.

I have journeyed many miles and lived in many lives finding in them both happiness and despair. But what has made the journey through life most wonderful has been those moments of unrequited love, those moments of joy and care. For in those precious moments when time stands still I find myself awake and while watching the world race by I see it also standing in place.

Would that I could repeat my life I think that I would find not much would change in fact it might only just realign. For if in living you can find the thread that leads you to your goal, then all the rest is of no concern because you have found your soul.

So what is the moral to my rhyme and what is the meaning told? Maybe just the simple truth that we are our own goal.

A Portal Into My Soul

There is a window in my bedroom on the third floor that looks out onto my ash and cherry trees, and onto the deck as well. I have spent many hours there as the years have passed. It has become my special space to rest and meditate, and to dream. "A place where I can go to tell my troubles to" if you will.


In the summer the view is lush and full, enveloped in an abundance of foliage and flowers. In the fall the trees are ablaze with the golden colors of nature at it's most robust. In the winter the view is of cold silhouetted branches in black and white sometimes glazed with ice or powdered with a fluffy coat of snow.

But come the spring nature puts on a show like no other. Sometime around the vernal equinox the buds begin to swell and then finally explode in a profusion of fragrant color adorning my deck with their resplendent beauty.

There are times throughout the year when I awake in the morning to the luminescence of a beaded stencil outlining the branches of my ash tree. From the window next to my bed, I look out upon it's branches and on to another space in time. Sometimes a picture of the past emerges like the face of gentle friend giving me comfort in what has been; sometimes it is the specter of a future event that mingles with my mind and gives rise to the anxiety of what might come. In any event this magical portal is and has been the venue through which I have watched my life unfold these many years and has been both a friend and foe to me. In times of sickness or loss it has comforted me, in times of joy and celebration it has held me up; but always and ever it is there for me.

Everyone has their own special place ... that place where they can take refuge and hide away from the world when it becomes too intense or merely to just sit and dream. There are certain places that register as calming or friendly, or just plain pleasant to be in. But in those moments of need it is important to remember that when we are not at home or near our special place we can always visit it in our minds.

This Veil of Tears

Today as I watched all the commotion and emotion spinning around the extinction of the terrorist Osama, I couldn't help but to feel a little happiness; happiness that we were finally rid of this pestilence but also sadness because it brought forward images that had been festering in my soul for these nine and one half years.

The thing to remember here is that what has transpired is only really a sentence in a novel that is our life. There a many other things on our plates that should be given more attention but are eclipsed by this more popular and less important event.

Would that this could be a turning point in our lives. Would that from now going forward we could concentrate on positive thoughts and not the negatives. Perhaps we can. My grandmother had a saying that she would bring out on occasion when things were not so positive and she was feeling a little negative. She would say "life can be like a veil of tears sometimes, but it is only a vail and can be lifted in a moment should we chose to do so". In her infinite wisdom this lovely pioneer lady could always hit the nail on the head, so to speak. I think that the most important thing I learned from her was how to be a man and a human being. She told me many times in many ways that to be strong and human is to be sensitive and caring as well. If we could just channel our anger and angst into a more positive flow what a world this would be!

So how about a little celebration for the death of evil but more so a large celebration of life and love, and living together in peace and joy. We can lift the veil of tears and we must. My grandmother would want it to be that way after all ...